Plurkfiends

This is a real and actual extract from a “Home Economics” book printed all the way back in 1950.

I had the book for a long time, then when I met SWMBO found it on the wall. I married her not because I thought she would follow the instructions, but because we are good friends who enjoyed each others company. Thirteen years on, we are still happily married. Just read the following:

HAVE DINNER READY

Plan ahead – even the night before – to have a delicious meal ready on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the welcome needed.

PREPARE YOURSELF

Take fifteen minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair, and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little jovial and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER

Make one last rip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys papers, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

SOME DON’TS

Don’t greet him with problems of complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner.
Count this as minor, compared with what he might have gone through that day.

PREPARE THE CHILDREN

Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces. If they are small, comb their hair, and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures, and he would like to see them playing the part.

MINIMISE THE NOISE

At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE

Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillows and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax – unwind.

LISTEN TO HIM

You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

MAKE THE EVENING HIS

Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

THE GOAL

Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

If my woman SWMBO read that, you’d be able to hear her laughing in Dreamworld.

Billy Connolly tells a hysterical story about an old woman he met on a bus in Clyde.

A woman and a baby are getting on the bus
the Bus Driver says to the woman………

“that is the ugliest baby i have ever seen!!”

Annoyed but not saying anything the woman sits down at the back of the bus.
She turns to the man sitting next to her and says
“that driver was very rude to me just then”
the man replies “If i were you i would go back and give him a piece of your mind………

and i will look after your monkey for you! “
———————————————————————————————————–
At a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on,
she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more,
and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,
“How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The guy smiled and drawled,
“Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you….but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends.”

Seven Englishmen and an Irishman in a rape ID line-up.
The victim walks in and the Irishman steps forward and says, “That’s her”!

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of Gorilla. Within a few weeks the Gorilla, a female became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination the vet determined the problem. The Gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male Gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby McKay, a local lad and part time worker who cleaned the animal cages out.

Bobby was not the brightest of men but possessed the simple ability to satisfy most females.

The zookeeper thought he may have a solution. Bobby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the Gorilla for £500?

Bobby said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.

 1. “First”, Bobby said, “Ah’m nae gonna kiss her on the lips.” The keeper agrees.

2. “Second”, he said, “Ye cannae tell naebody aboot this.” The keeper agrees.

3. “Third”, Bobby said, “I want all the weans raised as Celtic fans.” Once again this was agreed.

4. “And lastly”, Bobby stated,”Ye’ll need tae gie me another week to raise the £500!”

Thanks Chrisb!

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, drove up over the kerb, nearly hit a bus, mounted the other kerb, and stopped inches from a plate glass windw.

For a moment everything was silent in the cab, and then the shaking driver said,”I’m sorry, but you scared the life out of me!”

The frightened passenger apologized and asked what he had done to scare the driver so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, it’s my fault. Today is my first day in a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!”

Four people on a train. An old lady,a really fit blonde, a Welshman and an Englishman.

They go into a dark tunnel and hear a slap and a cry of pain. When they exit the tunnel the Welshman is rubbing his face.

The old lady thinks “I bet he tried touching the blonde, and got a slap.”

The blonde thinks, “I bet he tried touching me and got the old lady instead”.

The Englishman thinks,”I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that Welsh tw*t again!”